Josiah and I had a great Easter weekend! I hope you all did, too. :-) I was hoping to post pictures of what we did, but my laptop won't charge!!! It can't be fixed so as soon as I get a new one I will try to post the pics because they are too cute! And I'm not biased at all..... haha
We dyed eggs on Saturday, and I was surprised at how well he did! They look really good. And then we went to a birthday party across the street. Everybody was super nice and helpful, and I enjoyed getting out and talking to people. But it was still awkward for me. I couldn't get in the house since there was a step in the front and the back. It was easier for me to show up in their backyard which was totally fine with them. Anyway, Josiah could go in the house, but I couldn't.... I absolutely hated that. Another one of those helpless feelings and honestly, just feeling so alone. That's the hard part of being handicap. You feel so isolated. You can't go to other peoples houses because they either have steps, the house is too tight, or you can't get into the bathroom. When I do go to a friend's house, I'm unable to chase my child, and I'm regulated to sitting by myself or stuck in one spot trying not to think about it. Trying to pray. Trying to fight discouragement. Trying not to feel helpless and less than a "normal" person.
I left the party happy to have been around people and thankful for their willing spirit to help me with Josiah, but also sad and oh, so lonely. All I could think was that I wasn't a normal mom for my son. When you have any disability, it's hard to reconcile yourself to what your life is. So I'm desperately gripping my Anchor, and while I'm struggling to hold on, God reminds me of some facts. He gave me a child. He knows the condition of my health and then that thought brings to my mind Psalms 139:14-17 where it says, "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! How great is the sum of them!"
Those verses mean a lot to me especially since one of my conditions is genetic! It reminds me that I'm not worthless or inadequate or a bad mom because I have this disability. God made me this way! Plus, the essence of what being a mom is has nothing to do with not being able to walk or run. It's about the time you spend, the things you teach them about life and God, the silly moments, the cuddles and play times, reading and praying, talking and listening, being there for your child. It's not about what I can DO (physically), but what I can BE.
Josiah has helped me grow even closer with God. And isn't that the ultimate goal? With any parent? And because we are growing we can help our children grow and come to know God as their Saviour.
Regardless of whether it's totally accessible or not, I'm going to keep going to places and doing things. Because I may not be considered "normal" in the world's eyes, but to God I am. And my son doesn't see anything different except that I have a favorite chair to sit in all the time that gives him fast rides and a spot to sit anytime he wants.... :-) That's one of the coolest things about Josiah - he sees me not the chair. Anyway, with God's help I can fight these feelings and doubts and keep living for Him!